Insights: 7x16 (Emison)
by orphanleaf
Summary: My take on Emily and Alison's thoughts during THE scene in 7x16.


They're sorting through the carnage that A.D.'s minion left behind in the nursery, sifting through Alison's stuffed animals and baby toys, the remnants of her childhood - proof that she was once innocent. Alison lifts a fluffy white bear, scanning it for damage and, satisfied that it's unharmed, tosses it into a box. They had decided that while A.D. is still playing games, it would be best to put everything back where Emily had found it in the attic. They didn't want to provoke another attack. It felt like this was punishment for them trying to find some hope in this wretched situation - like A.D. had expected the baby to tear them apart and was angry that it had, instead, made them stronger. Alison figured that A.D. had assumed she'd still terminate the pregnancy, given her long history of disregarding everyone else's needs in favour of serving her own, but what they had underestimated was exactly how much she had changed, and what Emily meant to her. As soon as she found out that the baby was Emily's she knew she couldn't go through with it. She could have survived getting rid of a baby created by herself and that monster, created out of lies and betrayal - she didn't even want to think about what genetic pre-dispositions would have been passed down. But a child of Emily's - with her kindness and optimism, her strength, her openness - Alison couldn't bear to destroy that. Even if they don't know who the father is, with Emily as the mother it won't matter anyway.

Alison picks up another toy with a small smile, realising that despite everything, she's still feeling hopeful. Behind her, Emily sorts through her own pile of toys.

"You were a crazy person today."

Alison can hear the smile in Emily's voice. She raises her eyebrows in surprise, "Me?"

"I was scared you were going to tear Lucas' head off."

Alison laughs, "I thought he was A.D. Besides, you were the one who used a Pottery Barn candlestick as a deadly weapon."

There's an edge of pride in Alison's voice, which makes Emily look up, smiling even wider.

"I don't know why I thought I had to protect you - you're basically the strongest woman I know."

Emily's smile fades as she says this, thinking of all the things Alison has endured. Being raised in her toxic family with all the lies and bullying would have been bad enough to break most people, but being bludgeoned to near death by a long-lost sister and buried alive by her own mother was beyond survivable. Stalked. Terrorised. Run-out of town. Betrayed repeatedly by trusted confidants, friends, family. Abused by countless men, for a myriad of reasons, including a psychotic husband who had preyed on her desperate need to be loved. And now, a pregnancy forced on her by yet another maniac. Alison's story was not unique in their little group, they had all been through so much. But at least the rest of them went through it together - Alison had been alone.

Of course, Emily knows that Alison is not innocent in all this, she's been at the epicentre of everything that has happened to all of them over the years. But Emily also knows that nothing Alison ever did as a child - and they were children when Mona first started the game - was commensurate to the punishments being dished out now.

Hearing Emily's admission, Alison pauses, considering her next words carefully - she can either skirt around the edges, not saying what she needs to say as usual, or she can finally face it. She speaks before she has a chance to second guess herself.

"You've always protected me, Em. Ever since I met you, I knew I could count on you."

Emily stops her sorting and stares at the back of Alison's head. She involuntarily clenches the stuffed bear she's holding, her apprehension leaking though.

"So, why did you always push me away?"

And there it was, the question Emily had always wanted to ask but never could because there was always such an imbalance of power between the two of them. A younger Emily would never have had the courage to utter the words, and the old Alison wouldn't have allowed herself to fall into such a vulnerable position. But now Emily was confident and proud of who she was, and Alison was tired of being afraid.

Alison considers it for a long moment, long enough that Emily drops her head thinking that she's about to get shut-out yet again. But then Alison takes a breath and turns around. They lock eyes.

Alison shrugs, "I don't know."

It's not a good enough answer, Alison knows it. It's the answer she's handed Emily so many times before and every time Emily accepted it because she's kind and selfless, and for much of their friendship she believed that that was all she deserved from Alison. But Alison knows that she owes her so much more, she just can't bring herself to say it all now. Unloading all the ways in which Emily terrifies her was too much when they were just on the edge of something that finally felt possible.

So, instead she says, "But I'm ready to stop."

And she means it. One day she'd admit it all to Emily, but today she just needs her to know that she's done running.

Emily freezes, uneasy with the turn the conversation has taken, with how determined Alison sounds. They've been here before - a declaration that _almost_ sounds like a promise, a kiss that _almost_ feels like the beginning of something. But in the end whatever it could have been fails to ignite, and Emily's hope has become nothing more than smoke so many times over the years that she can't allow herself to trust the drop in her stomach that tells her something is different this time. As Alison walks towards her, Emily's heartbeat starts thundering in her ears and beating through her skull, and she's sure that Alison must be able to _see_ it pulsing under her skin.

Alison stops just an arm-length away. Her face is soft and sincere.

"I want to do this. Together."

Emily tries to steady her gaze, still uneasy. "What do you mean together?"

Alison inhales deeply, scared of just how much she wants this and absolutely sure that she doesn't deserve it. She had always been guarded, detached - unnervingly so, to the point that often she herself wasn't aware of her true desires. It started as a way to protect herself from the deep-seated feeling of inadequacy that her parents love, with all of its conditions and expectations, bred within her. As she got older it became her way of maintaining control in her life, using the air of mystery to stay on top of the high-school social ladder. Then, the years of constant back-and-forth on who to trust under -A mixed with the incessant fear, and the isolation became a part of Alison herself. She had internalised it so completely that she failed to realise that her desperation to build a family with Charlotte, and later with Elliott, was just another self-constructed wall between her and what she truly wanted. And now what she truly wants is finally within reach and she almost can't breathe from the pressure of finally opening herself up to it.

"I want to be a family."

Emily gulps, "Alison, I need to be clear about-"

Alison cuts her off, "Over the years I've been in so many failed relationships, and I always made excuses why. But I know the reason." She looks away, thinking of all the time she wasted. "Paige tried to get me to say it, but I didn't want to say it to her-"

At the mention of her ex's name Emily pushes forward a little, concerned that Paige and Alison may have had yet another run-in, "What did Paige-"

"I love you."

The words launch their way out of Alison's mouth - out of her heart - and hang in the air between them. Alison had expected to feel even more anxious once she'd let it out, but, strangely, the exposure leaves her with only a warm relief.

Emily pulls back, looking back and forth between Alison's eyes. Alison can see the uncertainty in Emily's gaze, but she won't let it shake her resolve because now she's sure that she can prove to both of them that, this time, this is real. She smiles and takes the teddy-bear out of Emily's grasp, replacing it with her own hands.

Alison's eyes are cast downwards as she moves the toy aside, and when she coyly flicks them back up to Emily's face, a move so reminiscent of a teenage Alison, Emily feels a thousand memories come flooding back. The two of them in the library - Alison revelling in the story of Pip and Estella, and letting Emily lean over to kiss her for the first time. The warmth of Alison's smile as Emily lay in her lap outside the barn after being saved from yet another -A trap. Their fingers tangled together as Alison led her through the Fitzgerald Theatre and her fear of letting go just in case Alison ran again. The gleam in Alison's eyes when she spoke of Paris and their 'forever'. Alison's weight pressing Emily into the bed all those years ago, the neediness and reverence in her touch.

Alison presses on, "You told me not to do this until I was ready."

"Do what?"

Emily is lost in the old feelings, not completely comprehending what Alison's intentions are. Alison looks at her tenderly and reaches out to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. Emily's heart stops as Alison steps into her.

"This."

As soon as Alison's lips meet hers, everything comes back into focus like she's just woken up. She reaches for Alison's face, threading her fingers into long, blonde hair. They part for a second, smiling at each other and then Emily pulls them together again. The kiss is sweet and comfortable, neither woman pushing to deepen it because they're both confident that this is _finally_ just the beginning for the two of them.


End file.
